What to pay the pastor . . .

The best man strode purposefully towards me after the wedding service. He was pale, skinny, and so young. Wearing a tuxedo that made him look like an extra in a slasher film that ended badly at a prom, he stopped in front of me.

“Thanks for doing Tommy’s wedding.”

“You’re welcome.”

The best man reached into a jacket pocket and handed me a folded envelope. “Tommy wanted you to have this.”

I slipped the envelope into the Bible I was holding.

“Gotta take pictures for the wedding party thing,” he said as he retreated. “Thanks, again.”

Since the wedding was for the granddaughter of a long-time church member, I knew quite a few in attendance. I socialized, soon moseyed over to where pictures were being taken and posed for a friendly photo with the newlyweds. It was a Saturday and I left before the reception. I still had work to do on my sermon.

On my way home I glanced into the envelope. No note or card. Other than my name in purple ink on the outside, nothing personal. A Hamilton and three one-dollar bills were inside. Alexander Hamilton, a signer of the Declaration of Independence, is worth ten dollars.

I was given $13 in cold cash by a skinny kid in a shiny tuxedo.

Hey, I wasn’t in ministry for the money!

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I’m now retired, but continue to get this question from acquaintances, along with those finding me on Facebook and other internet hot spots: What should I pay the pastor for my wedding?

A friend (and fellow retired pastor) once shared his standard response for wedding fees. For years, he had served a congregation in a popular California zip code. Many out-of-towners wanted their special day in his picturesque sanctuary.

He told the couples, “Just pay me ten percent of whatever the wedding costs.”

My colleague was joking. It was his way to start conversation about finances and values during the premarital counseling. Though maybe he was also a smidgen serious? What does have more value, a pastor or a three-tiered wedding cake?

At that church where I received thirteen bucks for a wedding, several retired ministers regularly attended. One had been in Reno, Nevada following World War II. He told me that calls came night and day from couples eager to exchange vows. Overwhelmed by this post-war boom, he prepared a packet with practical advice for newlyweds, information on personal finances, a brochure about sexual intercourse (whoa!), and the fees for him to perform the ceremony. Witnesses and music cost extra!

Some churches I’ve served had guidelines for building use by outsiders; details for weddings and funerals were clearly spelled out. Other churches left decisions to the minister.

I’ve always assumed if you were a church member, you had no obligation to pay. I was your pastor. For others, I often asked people to pay what they could, but make the check for the Pastor’s Discretionary Fund. Any wedding income contributed to the church’s support for those with emergency needs.

Along with $13, I’ve been paid:

• Some beer.
• Bottles of wine.
• A plate of cookies.
• Yeah, I’ve been stiffed.
• Lovely notes.
• Gift certificates to restaurants.
• A couple of twenty-dollar bills warm from an ATM.
• $1,000 check.

If you are involved in a faith community, ask openly about the expenses. Some clergy are like me, and don’t have a set charge for weddings (or other ceremonies). I am also confident many religious officiants have specific fees and can provide a clear answer.

But what about people who aren’t part of any congregation, and want to pay an appropriate amount for services rendered? I hope these three suggestions will help:

#1 Politely ask the person doing the ceremony about their fees. (Don’t be shy!) They tell you, and that’s what you pay them.

#2 Either a minister doesn’t have set fees or you just want to do the right thing without asking. Here are factors to consider when guessing what to pay:

• Is the ceremony simple or elaborate? Will it take hours or minutes?
• How often will you meet with the minister before the event? Once? More?
• Is there premarital counseling? Once? More?
• Is there a rehearsal?
• How much travel time is required?
• Where do you live? Costs are different in small towns versus big cities.

#3 Give yourself. Which is to say, tucked in my desk, are cards thanking me for being a part of a person’s life during a wedding (along with funerals, baptisms, hospital visits, and more). Personal notes are treasures.

When I discussed my role with the future newlyweds, I reminded them that the pastor is likely the one professional involved in the wedding you can contact later to seek formal or informal support for what a wedding leads to: the for better or for worse marriage.

Remember that beer on the list of my payments? As a young associate minister, I had next door neighbors barely making ends meet. We had fun (and cheap) dinners together. We swapped stories about this and that, including the beer I enjoyed after a backpack. They asked me to marry them. It was a low-key ceremony. Because their finances were tight, they gave me a six-pack of my favorite brew and a lovely note. Perfect.Article Sponsored Find something for everyone in our collection of colourful, bright and stylish socks. Buy individually or in bundles to add color to your sock drawer!

I have probably disappointed you. After all, I didn’t say to pay the pastor $50 or $5,000. There are too many variables. Nevertheless, planning a wedding reveals key aspects of what keeps a marriage healthy. Or not healthy.

• Whether paying for the pastor or wedding cake, how well (or poorly) will you communicate?
• How well (or poorly) will you handle finances?
• How well (or poorly) will you respect your partner and all those you deal with in your decisions?

Simple or elaborate, with hundreds of guests or a handful, I hope every celebration goes well. (And don’t forget to pay the pastor.)

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Photo by Redd F on Unsplash